FOL Humor

Life in "Trailer Estates"
A little old lady was sitting on a park bench in Trailer Estates, a Florida mobile home park.A man walked over and sits down on the other end of the bench.After a few moments, the woman asks, "Are you a stranger here?"
He replies, "I lived here years ago."
"So, where were you all these years?"
"In prison," he says.
"Why did they put you in prison?"
He looked at her, and very quietly said, "I killed my wife."
"Oh!" said the woman, "So you're single..."

NEW BREAD KNIFE
An inventor came up with a knife that would slice two loaves of bread at the same time. He sold it to a large bakery. He then developed a knife that would slice three loaves of bread at the same time. He sold that idea, too. Finally, the ultimate. He made a huge knife that could cut four loaves of bread at the same time. And so was born the world's first four-loaf cleaver.

Ole asks Lars, "Vhat's dat you're reading, Lars?"
Lars says, "A book about felines."
Ole replies, "It sure looks big and tick."
Lars retorts, "Vell, like it sess, dere's more dan vone vay to skin a cat."

"I saw a big rat in my oven and when I went for my revolver, he ran out."
"Did you shoot him?"
"No. He was out of my range."

LIL' BITZ OF WIZDUM
~ It's taken me all my life to understand that it is not necessary to understand everything.
~ It's good to keep your feet on the ground, but you aren't going to get anywhere unless you lift
them up occasionally.
~ I'm such a nobody, even the Wal*Mart greeters ignore me.
~ You think you could never love anybody as much as your children, and then a grandchild
comes along. -Maureen Shea

AN EIGHT YEAR OLD INQUIRES
An 8-year-old girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard. She asked him, "Daddy, what is sex?" The father was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided that if she was old enough to ask the question, then she was old enough to get a straight answer. He proceeded to tell her all about the 'birds and the bees'. When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open. The father asked her, "Why did you ask this question?"
She replied, "Mom told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs."

SOME DINING QUERIES
Customer: "Your sign says, "$50 to anyone who orders something we can't furnish." I would like to have an elephant ear sandwich."
Waiter: "Ohhh...we're going to have to pay you the $50."
Customer: "No elephant ears, huh?"
Waiter: "Oh, we've got lots of them...but we're all out of those big buns!"

Customer: "What flavors of ice cream do you have?"
Waiter (in a hoarse voice): "Vanilla, strawberry and chocolate."
Customer: "Do you have laryngitis?"
Waiter: "No, just vanilla, strawberry and chocolate."

Waiter: "Would you like your coffee black?"
Customer: "What other colors do you have?"

After a particularly inspiring worship service, Ole greeted the pastor. "Reverend, dat vas a vonderful sermon. You should have it published."
The pastor replied, "Well thank you Ole, actually, I'm planning to have all my sermons published posthumously."
" Great!" enthused Ole. "Ya, da sooner da better!"

Lena is heading for bed and hollers back, "Did you put da cat out, Ole?"
Ole replies without looking up from the TV, "I didn't know da cat vas on fire, Lena."

A man tried to sell his neighbor a new dog. "This is a talking dog," he said. "And you can have him for five dollars."
The neighbor said, "Who do you think you're kidding with this talking dog stuff? There ain't no such animal."
Suddenly the dog looked up with tears in his eyes. "Please buy me, sir," he pleaded. "This man is cruel. He never buys me a meal, never bathes me, never takes me for a walk. And I used to be the richest trick dog in America. I performed before kings. I was in the Army and decorated ten times."
" Hey!" said the neighbor. "He can talk. Why do you want to sell him for just five dollars?"
" Because," said the seller, "I'm getting tired of all his lies."

The man bought the dog. Later on a friend dropped in to pay him an unexpected visit and was amazed to find him playing chess with the dog. The friend watched in silence for a few minutes, then burst out with, "That's the most incredible dog I ever saw in my life!"
" Oh, he isn't so smart," was the answer, "I've beaten him three games out of four."

OLE,... THAT SILVER TONGUED DEVIL
Ole and Lena are getting ready for bed. Lena is standing before a full-length mirror taking a hard look at herself. "You know vhat Ole, I look in dis mirror, and I see an old voman. My face is all wrinkled, my hair is grey, my shoulders are hunched over, I've got fat legs, and my arms are all flabby." She turns to Ole, and says, "Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself."
He studies hard for a moment thinking about it and then says in a soft, thoughtful voice, "Vell, Sveety, dare's notting wrong vit your eyesight."

Ole and Lena have taken Lena's mother along with them on a camping trip. The first night out, Ole is awakened by Lena screaming at him, "Ole, a big bear yust vent into mama's tent."

Ole rolled over in his sleeping bag and said, "Vell, he got himself into dat mess; let him get himself out of it!

Ole to Lars, "Lena spent four hours in da beauty shop de udder day."
Lars replies, "Boy, dat's a long time, Ole."
"Ya, and dat vas yust for da estimate!"

Lena went to the beauty shop, came home and said to Ole, "I yust got back from da beauty shop, Dear."

Ole looks her over and says, "Vhat's da matter? Vas it closed?"

The doctor answered the phone and heard the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line. "We need a fourth for poker," said the friend.

"I'll be right over," whispered the doctor. As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, "Is it serious?"

"Oh yes, quite serious," said the doctor gravely. "In fact, there are three doctors there already!"

After a long dry sermon, the minister announced that he wished to meet with the church board following the close of the service. The first man to arrive was a stranger. "You misunderstood my announcement. This is a meeting of the Board," said the minister.
" I know," said the man,"but if there is anyone here more bored than I am, I'd like to meet him."

GENTLE THOUGHTS FOR TODAY
* Birds of a feather flock together... and crap on your car.
* If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
* Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.
* A penny saved is a government oversight.
* The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave
unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
* The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
* He who hesitates is probably right.
* Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are " XL."
* If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
* If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.